A night of death

An extreme night with clouds of mixed feelings pouring heavily
Somewhere far in forest a hoard of jackals lamenting over a lost life
Black sky smiling and drops dancing on rhythm of destiny
Mountains were strong and straight
Waves hitting the shore getting impatient at stern immobile rocks in their way
It was a never ending struggle between an inertia to not move and impatient emotional impulse!
Can there ever be an end to this struggle?

I felt like screaming or may be I was screaming but my sound was diluted in noise of melancholy and joy! Found myself so helpless in hands of pre-determined life. Why I wasn’t the master of my destiny, why I couldn’t stop Sara from going? Why I couldn’t set everything right? How helpless I was!

The alarm rang and woke me up… aaaahhh it was a dream but more real than reality… my pillow wet with sweat, I was so thankful to the alarm clock, had it been late even by few more seconds I would have died of suffocation of my helplessness!

It was 6:30 and now the race starts...everything was so fixed and in routine, with a blink of an eye I knew my schedule for forth one and half hour! Got up with half closed eyes groping towards kitchen to make myself a cup of tea… it was so fixed ...taking tea to bedroom converted in to a store room and then to a balcony… puffing cigarette and sipping tea. But something was new these days, a thick mist of thoughts strolling up and down alleys of memory… these thoughts are so lively so agile so dead and so mobile at the same time! Oops I burnt my fingers, why do they have to make such a small cigarette stick, only 74 mm didn’t they know that we humans are cursed with memories and hope and then agony? Suddenly there was a voice from inside, may be my inner self who was getting tortured the most… STOP IT… It’s too much you have to go a long way… you just can’t stop anywhere! Life is so strange isn’t it? Doesn’t even give you enough time to rejoice or mourn! “Kirr..Kirr..Kirr” door bell rang, it must be the maid and now is the time for me getting ready for the day.

815 and I was at Vashi station, Srinivas was waiting for me or may be he wasn’t! Srini, that’s how we used to call him, is a man who can be assumed to be very close to a life without emotions… detached from everything and always lost in his music and compositions…A perfect life I would say! Here comes the train and hundreds of people rushed in and before the poor train could halt it was fully occupied rather over occupied! Me and Srini still standing outside… looked at each other and smiled …it was a smile of mutual understanding and consent that both of us knew there is nothing to hurry so much in life, we preferred to think… retro-intro-inspect rather than letting ourselves being flown in seductive wine of artificial business of life! It’s not that we weren’t professionals surely we had quite a bright credentials at work but we decided to live life rather than passing or escaping life!

When it rains buds get drenched, they dance and sing
We insecure humans rush for sheds
Breeze pulling us out and making us wet, trying to make us feel the pleasure of nature
Pleasure is in getting drenched than escaping it!
Escaping gives an illusion of security, temporal though!
Joy is lost in this illusion which else gives birth to crippled broken dreams!

It was so beautiful a life of thoughts; I was thinking about my nephew, a new link to our lives. A series of hopes and dreams, my dreams have always been fragile, they break but still I dream! “Oye Chetan! Try this song” yelled Srini, nudging me and trying to shove in his earphones in my ears. “There is a lady who knows all that glitters is gold and she is buying the stairways to heavens…” It was Deff Lepard.. a soothing song… my lips couldn’t stop repeating those lines. I could see curiosity in Srini’s eyes, it was very much the same curiosity which all of us have to gain acceptance and to be heard! Wasn’t Galileo infected by the same curiosity which landed him in jail for 18 years? Why did he care if Earth was stationary or Sun was at the center? Did it really affect his routine mechanized life? Others couldn’t appreciate it much because to think to retro-intro-inspect is a sin, so he must have been punished! Mozart was poisoned and humiliated by an un-named grave because again he was curious for acceptance and being heard, couldn’t he content himself with his creation? Why did Jesus need to tell the world about the Ultimate truth and God, couldn’t he be happy with his discovery? Why did Srini need to tell me about this song, isn’t he afraid of the inferior soul in me?

After a number of halts the train finally reached VT station, our daily destination. The job which me and Srini are taking makes VT our morning destination, its so natural, we don’t have to think about it, as I don’t have to think about Sara every moment. She naturally becomes destination of my feelings every moment! Is this feeling as temporal as my job? I could change my job anytime I wanted and VT wouldn’t be my destination anymore! Is it the same between me and Sara? There I decided to put myself at a test!

Me and Srini heading towards office and arguing and discussing whether we should walk or take a cab, I have always been inclined to take a cab not because I am lazy but it gives me a feeling of being comforted. I must have a reason to earn money and luxury and comfort serves this purpose! So we took a cab as I have always been able to convince Srini for anything I wanted, or may be Srini was so much in to himself that he really didn’t want to waste time in arguing with me.

Srini wanted to go to US for promoting his compositions, which both of us agreed, were unique and soothing, but we Indians as buyers are very shy towards risk and changes. Why we shouldn’t be? Didn’t we take risk with Nadir Shah and British and then got looted for ages? So now we don’t experiment, we want well established, pre-tested brand names… Srini was convinced that India is not a market for his compositions.

“Bhaiya K.C. college ki taraf se le lena..” I directed the cab wala, as I wanted to take longer route which gives me more space and time to think. I have decided to take myself away from Sara and see if my feelings are temporal or eternal. So first thing I did after reaching office is to request my boss to send me to site, which was in Gujarat, for two weeks.

Priya another colleague, is a cute and ambitious gal, was also willing to go to site as she got nothing to work on in office. She requested and boss agreed as he was afraid of sending me all alone because of my short tempered nature. I wasn’t quite happy with the idea but didn’t have much option! “Following morning 6 ‘o’ clock be at airport” I ordered Priya, she was in habit of my orders not because I am her senior, to whom she always have been defiant, but it’s my authoritive and commanding nature, which she finds ir-restible. Nalini a fair and plumpy lady, who works as secretary of my boss, came o my table with a thick bundle of papers. These were forwarded to me by boss for reading, analyzing and taking decisions, could I decide on anything at this moment? Isn’t my internal noise deafening them? Surely it wasn’t so I started reading and honestly commenting on each mail. Entire day was pretty busy with those mails and quite a few meetings; I didn’t have enough time to go for lunch. Evening boss called me in his cabin to give final instructions of WHAT NOT TO DO AT SITE, which were primarily a set of instructions as how to be diplomatic and kill administrative issues. My boss has eyes which would penetrate in to you and force you to speak, I could see his attempt to know about what’s going on my mind, but before he could express himself explicitly I asked for his permission to secure for home.

Next morning we were at site, it was awesome, huge sheds getting erected everywhere, massive machinery, scores of engineers and laborers trying to put their best effort. For a while I felt like being amidst a battle, though already I was in a battle in my internal world, trying to fight with her thoughts and deciding about originality of my feelings! All geared up, the site in-charge was called in for informing us about the current progress and problems if any, as I was project manager and was supposed to be informed about the developments and solving hurdles for smooth execution of the mega project. “I need two site-engineers who will work with me till I am here and please inform the contractors to meet me post lunch” I commanded the site in-charge. I could sense hatered in his eyes as it’s not palatable to be commanded by a person half of your age, but do they have an option? Did I have any option?

It was scorching sunny at the site, sea of dust blowing everywhere, Priya wanted to go to office as we were not exactly site people so weren’t able to take this hardship, but I preferred to be there. I heard somewhere, if there is too much internal chaos one should try to drawn himself in external chaos and hardship, so wanted to try this prescription for my chaos! Don’t we go to bars, trying to drawn ourselves in alcohol and loud music where we could forget our own voice? Don’t we choose to be workaholic to forget ourselves? Don’t we marry and create an illusion of family and a nest of emotions to forget ourselves? Don’t we have many ways to escape? But do any of them work ever? Sara aren’t you escaping? Will it work for you?

We went for lunch in a near by contractor’s shed, though I was reluctant as it’s not a nice idea to be obliged by contractor, but he was too insisting to say a no. We decided to right away start work on my assignment and finish off the target as soon as possible, which wasn’t my aim but yes work was my goal. So just after lunch we proceeded to the site, I didn’t give myself enough time to feel lethargic or tired. We worked till quite late that night may be till 12, though I sent Priya to the guest house at dinner time only because I knew its not only duty which I was performing, my work was accompanied by my own battle, which needed more effort than normal engineering problems and Priya in no way was connected to my struggle! Back to my bed around 1:30 in night, didn’t have enough energy left to even lit a cigarette but the battle was still on!

Following week it was more hectic I took more and more work and finished all my work before schedule, people at site were confusing my pace with my hurry to go back to Mumbai, but none had an idea what I was up to! One night while having dinner, Priya asked if she could come to my room for chatting, what else we were doing whole day? Anyways I had nothing to lose so didn’t say her NO. She came to my room in a dress which at all wasn’t suitable for chilly nights of the site, will try to explain her get up, it was a mini skirt may be up to ¼ of her thighs, giving a clear view of her pinkish plump thighs and the black innerwear, and a Tee which was tight enough to suffocate her. I wasn’t surprised cause was very much aware of her intentions since the day she joined my team. She was talking playfully, trying to hit me unnecessarily and laughing for no good reasons, surely I wasn’t cracking any joke! It was an attempt to seduce me and believe me it was one of the best effort I have ever seen in my life, but didn’t Priya know that sex and love making are two different things and I am not the guy to trade off the relaxation which I used to get with sara with a biological orgasm ! I asked Priya to leave my room and report at breakfast table at 8 in the morning. Is it only a matter of time and distance and then I will forget Sara and will be able to say the same words to some other girl? Or I am destined to spend entire life with someone else and thinking about sara?

This one week couldn’t help me to forget the lady, so I decided to go to my home town, Patna and spend some time with family and my nephew. Family is one strong cushion against any emotional heave ups, it’s like you take lemonade when getting heavily drunk to cut off the sedative. “Are beta kya hua? You aren’t keeping well these days? Not eating well, maid not coming? Why your face is blackened? Not liking the job?” Goodness so many questions at one go! My mum is gifted with this capability, and I hate to lie to her but at times we have to lie for self preservation! “There was too much of work at site and I had to stand in sun so got burnt, nothing much ma, it will go in few days, you don’t worry, where is Apratim” an attempt to divert her attention from me. Apratim was Ad-Hoc name of my nephew, suggested by me and was still under scrutiny by his grandparents and rest of the family, though didi liked the name as she always likes whatever I do. He is so cute, his innocent eyes and sweet smile reminds me of someone, he had so much to say as she had so much to say all the time but Apratim didn’t have words and Sara didn’t want to use words.

Words are to articulate the feelings
Words are to end the feelings
Words are to give life to relations
Words are to kill relations
Words we use to lie
Words we use to escape
Words we use to hold each other for ever
Words we use to hate each other forever
Is words gift or a curse for us?

Apratim was getting pally with me and for once I thought that life is beautiful! His smile may be revealed the meaning of my dream ,.. “Smiling black sky and dancing drops” … its my destiny … I wasn’t sure if the dream was over or a new one has begun! But surely his smile convinced me that Life goes on …. That was the evening I decided to move back to mumbaia nd start working because the “Mountains were straight and strong” and I am ought to be unmoved … I have to be a rock and pour in myself in universal cycle of life … and produce, consume and get consumed! Sara was a wave in the ocean of my life and my fate were those immobile stern rocks in her or our way … they didn’t move … and the never ending war struggle continued … she was still there and the rocks were still there ! But I had to move on and move on!

So Monday I was back in Mumbai, maid was quite happy to receive me back as of course she too was insecure and feeling of insecurity causes agony. Didn’t ask her about Lee …neither she told me unless one morning when I was singing while bathing which perhaps indicated my good mood, she told me about Lee’s quitting the country for good, which I knew but didn’t want to hear or may eb repeat to myself, didn’t say her anything but couldn’t sing anymore. Later during day and old friend told me that sara settled with an old friend of her’s and is quite happy … “aaaahhh it was a dream but more real than reality… my pillow wet with sweat, I was so thankful to the alarm clock, had it been late even by few more seconds I would have died of suffocation of my helplessness! “ ……..